I would turn invisible cause then I could spy on people changing. ;D hahah
What do you want to say?
I’m sure If I knew who this was I’d miss you too.
Aw, dear I would If I could. :[
Went to a show today! First time In forever!!! A day to remember, august burns red, silverstein, enter shakari and go radio. August burns red =amazing. And a day to remember did sooooooooo Many songs!!! It was crazy I was so tired. Geez it was charlottes first show in Portland yay! I was determinded to get her in even though they were sold out. We snuck in yay us! We saved money! Man was it good :)
Today I went wandering for about an hour downtown trying to find a quiet less crowded dry place to sit down and open up my mind and right down my thoughts. I couldn’t find a place. If it was the summer I’m sure that’d be a different story. I’m lost.
I was going through my old computer and found this narrative essay I’d written As a junior in high school. I found it pretty touching. Sometimes I feel like I knew more about life back then than now. It’s a little cheesy and It’s got some spelling and punctuation errors but, it makes me happy. Maybe You’ll enjoy is, get something from it who knows.
If I set it free.
Once, there was a time where I didn’t like who I was. I wasn’t happy with myself; I was down all the time. I always wore black clothes and heavy eye make-up. I used to keep to myself for the most part. I wasn’t comfortable with who I was, it didn’t feel right being myself. But over time, things happen that caused change. No, it was not exactly a “Brief Moment in Time” that this happened. It did not really happen over a couple of seconds, not a couple of minuets or even hours. No, it was more like five months. Nothing dramatic, I just fell in love.
Sure, okay, five months might really not seem like a long time, a 15/16 year old falling in love. True love? It’s all a bit over the top, a bit dramatic. But no, really it’s not that crazy of a thought. You may find it hard to believe that I really was in love. Most teens just throw around the word like it was a leaf they passed by without noticing. I’ve gone through plenty of heartbreaks to know not to fall too deeply, too hard or too fast for someone that just might as well be lying.
If I had gone to the club like I usually did every Saturday, none of this might have ever happened. This all started around May 13., near the end of last school year. He and I had been talking for a while; it was obvious we both liked each other. That night he convinced me to go to this other club I hadn’t been to before. So, that’s what I did. I went to the other club with him, it was pretty lame and it closed early. All of our other friends however, were still in the club. We decided not to just sit there wasting our time waiting for the club to get out. So, this is when it starts getting kind of romantic. I mean, you may not think that walking around downtown Portland at 2 in the morning is really that great, but let me tell you, it is. The Rose festival had around ended at the waterfront. Fences were up that had been locked. However, we wanted to see the river, but we couldn’t find a way to get to it. After a while we spotted a man working and he kindly let us through to the other side. This boy and I continued to walk around waterfront and found a place to sit. We sat there for a while just being with each other, watching the sun rise from beyond the highway bridges. It was honestly, beautiful, but none of that is really when it really happened. When for some reason, in my gut, I knew that it’d work out with this guy. This guy I had just spent all night and morning with wandering around Portland, that he, could make me happy, that he would kiss me and make me smile. When standing on top of a Park building structure with a few friends. The sun was shining in a pretty pink sky, the air crisp and fresh, and a little wind here and there. He asked me to be with him, and right away, with no second guessing myself, I said yes. This had never happened before and looking back at it, I was stunned.
I’m not going to give you my month to month, day to day story of how things went. Just now, that it went good. I felt like we were meant to be together, we shared so many things, memories, interests and feeling. I don’t think I had ever been happier in my entire life spending everyday with him during the summer. We practically lived together, shopped together, ate together. We shared our lives with one another. Sitting around laughing, kissing, talking, about the future, the present, the past. There was so much to learn, and so much he taught me, made me feel. I could be myself around this person. They loved me for all of me, the good and the bad, and I loved all of them. Every inch of skin was perfect. Every thought that crossed his mind I accepted. His flaws, his wants, his needs and feelings. I accepted them all. I accepted him. Being with him made me feel like a better person, I could finally be myself. I wasn’t always trying to get attention; I wasn’t always sulking on my own. I was a happier person, in a better state of conscious.
You may ask, how do you know it was love? It wasn’t like I couldn’t live without him, couldn’t breath and live if he wasn’t there. I didn’t “need” him. When you love someone though you aren’t supposed to. Loving someone is when you like someone enough that you just like to be with them, you don’t need them. But he completed me. I honestly, Loved him with all my heart. I felt it all the way down to the bones in my toes. Sadly this is no fairy tail ending, we aren’t together still and I may never know exactly how he felt about me(but he does tell me that he honestly with all this heart loved me).We broke up because of distance, once school started we hardly ever saw each other. It took me longer than we were together to get over him. He’ll always be in my heart; he’ll always be my first love. As the saying goes, “If you love something then let it free, if it was meant to be it’ll come back to you.” Or however it goes. I honestly believe that. I have learned to let go and maybe one day he will come back to me.
Being with him did change me. Not only did I experience love, but I also became a lot more accepting of myself. I can be myself out in the open now. Also, I do feel like I am a stronger person after this experience I don’t always depend on others, I can take care of myself, I don’t need someone to complete me and I do believe it has changed who I am.
[On another note. After reading some things From my past I realized that there are people in my life that have done so much for me and mean so much to me that i’ll never forget them. People always have more to them than just whats on the cover, like a book, there’s always so much more deeper meaning. Secrets hidden with in lines. Those people looked passed my cover and helped me become something better than I’d ever thought I’d become. I’m going to thank them again soon. :] ]
So my ear doesn’t really hurt anymore. I’m moving tomorrow!!!!!! Oh gosh Gollie I’m so nervous! I packed like a maniac last night. Mitchell was incharge of the kitchen and his stuff and he hasn’t done Jack shit yet. He’s just been playing his video games. -.- highly annoying. Today I am going to finish up my resume and go job hunting with Charlotte. Goodie right? Mitchell thinks it’s stupid in trying to find a new job. But I swear I’m going to kill someone if I stay at forever 21 for any longer. Another few months and I’ll have been there for two years. Yeaahhh fuck that shit. Ha. Anyways in going to go write that paper now.
I would like you to know that I have this weird feelin in my tummy and my throat and it hurts.
I think I am hungry.
And my ear is tingly and owy. What does an ear infection feel like? Maybe I have one of those.
I’m such a depressing person. But only when I’m left to my own devices.
Happy thoughts Happy Thoughts. :D
Can’t wait to move, but kinda sad at the same time.
I hate my therapist receptionist. I called to make an appointment around noon to try and get it today and she still hasn’t called me back. They close at 5:30 and it was an emergency. She probably won’t get back to me for another week. Fuck my life. It’s bullshit.
That’s it. I lose. Even if I lose my boyfriend I already lost my best friend what’s the point?
- "I don't want to lose you. "
- "do you wanna lose me!"
- "I don't know... I mean no but I don't know."
- " well what are we going to do about this?
- "I don't know!"
I wish I had happy things to talk about. But what’s been goin on that’s so happy? Maybe it’s just the way my mind works tricking me into thinking the things are worse than they are. I don’t want to believe that it’s that bad at all. I like happy things… What’s been happy. I’m borrowing my Moms car, does that count? I’m moving soon, is that really something to be that happy about? My kitty has been being more friendly , that’s pretty cool… I think the happiest I’ve been lately… No, no nvm. Wait truely happy things. Saturday I hung out and listned and danced to techno before the club, it was nice to feel involved. Happy that she refused hugs from anyone before me ha. Happy that Bleu said she love me, not much of a truth there but it was nice to hear. Mm happy. Happy seeing her for the first time in what feels like forever. Happiness is somethin I hope I will find soon.
I’m not okay. Everyone needs someone to ask them, “are you okay?”
Are you okay?